Sunday, July 27, 2008

Mum : You inspire us everyday...

Hi all ,
Why am I here? : I did not think i would become a "blogger" under these circumstances..but i guess sometimes adversity and life makes one write! I think in some way I was also hoping for some kind of solace! I know most of you may not have the patience or time to read what I have written but heck I am being a little selfish! I am writing for myself more than anything. I am writing because I am hoping it will make me feel better and also hoping that I can share my story with people who read this.

Mum : As I write, next to me is the most brave,wonderful,spiritual and dignified person anyone could have met..My mum. She is the center of our lives. She is the epitome of beauty,elegance,dignity and strength. She is really the reason for who I am.We are an extremely close knit family and life has always been about living for each other and through one another.Mum and me are like friends.We are very close and share a bond that is unique and beautiful.My sister and me have been more than fortunate to have had the most gracious and wonderful parents. Both mum and dad have been very active people socially and have always been the couple who comes to everyone’s rescue in many ways. Mum has the most amazing sense of humor and has always lived life to the fullest. Her happiness always comes from seeing others happy. Philanthrophy was a way of life for her. She believed in charity and always helping people in need. She always taught us to give back to people in need. Whether it was the Bomb blasts in Mumbai, the floods in July, she always gathered her resources in time and set out to help in her own way.
Sometimes people would say she has it all..the good looks, a Phd in English Literature, a great cook, a fabulous homemaker, a devoted wife and mother..and I would think we actually have it all because we have her! We have a large extended family and mum being the eldest has always been the center of everyone’s lives. No marriage,no family function is complete without her because she takes control and has a solution for everything. She makes everyone laugh and regales people with her fabulous stories.She is always looking out for others. She is everyone’s strength.

Providence : 10 years ago my aunt (Mum’s youngest sister) was diagnosed with leukaemia and miraculously mum was a 99% match as a donor. Without a blink of an eyelid ,she flew down to the US and gave her life..Mums stem cell was grafted into my aunt who today happily says, “your mum gave me 2 of the greatest things ..No hair on my body and allergy to chocolate so I can never put on weight!!! Ten years later destiny turned its tables.

2004 : What a year of paradoxes that was! In keeping with family tradition, Dad became Chief Secretary of Maharashtra , a very prestigous and well deserved accolade for him. His father was the longest reigning Chief Secretary of the Madras Presidency and a man of great vision and charisma. . But that year the good news was immediately shrouded by the unthinkable. What started off as a small ulcer in Mum's mouth turned out to be a nightmare. From biopsies and scans and endless tests, Mum ..a person who did not have single bad habit, had now unbelievably a malignant tumor..

The C word : The C word as we used to call it then had struck our family!! Us !! How could it be???? ..Not us!!! Not her!!! It was a shock and very hard to deal with. Suddenly one day (9th of October,2004) my sister and me were in the ICU looking at our beautiful mother after a 7-hour surgery with tubes everywhere and all I did was to look into her eyes. They smiled at me and I couldn’t help but run out and breakdown. A portion of her tongue had been operated upon and some nodes were removed. It had been a major surgery. Nothing..I mean nothing..quite prepares you for what you see. We were assured that the tumor had been done away with. The Doctors said she may have to stay in the hospital for 20 days and so each day we prayed with her, and on our own. And mum in all her dignity showed us all that she was a fighter and left the hospital to go home in just 8 days. Will power surpassed Doctors predictions and she was home.

Then came the radiation and with it came all its nasty side effect. The thickening of the saliva, the rawness of skin in the neck, the headaches, the shortness of breath..15 years of her yoga and hours of prayer and pranayam taught her resilience and tolerance for all of that. I never saw her complain or rue her fate. Not once.

2004 fast became 2007. Everyday we cherised the time we spent with her. She was our hero.Her diet had changed considerably to mashed food and she had lost weight but Mum looked as pretty as ever and her sense of humor was so very intact…Our monthly routine checks had stopped to now once in 6 months and the Doctors said she was officially clear. We were grateful each day for all the little and big things that came our way.And we thought the worst was over..

September 2007…One day Mum called me after her yoga class and said she felt a node in her neck that didn’t seem normal. The doctors had done a check a week ago and had said everything was clear so there was no need to panic.A routine check to the hospital and the nightmare was back. More biopsies, countless tests,scans, opinions, decisions,consultations..and then you just do what the best Doctor in the country tells you to do.. Another surgery..this time much more drastic than the first.

October 2007 : A nightmare that just won't go away.....I found myself in the ICU again looking at her..Only this time I did not run , I did nor cry. I just stood there and stared at her..because I thought to myself ..this is not my mother, it just cannot be! How can life be so cruel and so unkind? A person who had rarely ever had a saridon or a crocin.Led the most healthy life, had only helped others, had a clean and pure heart ..why her? Today I realize that there is no logic to any of this. The why her ..why me syndrome does no good to the situation..only makes it worse.Her tongue had been cut further, her jaw bone removed and replaced with a forearm flap.Her face, her hand , her leg were all in a cast..there were tubes all over, there was a tube in her throat and the visual was horrific. 11 hours of surgery and all I could think of is how she waved at us before going in and said..“don’t worry ..go eat your lunch ..i will be fine”. And in her true comical spirited style she shunned the ward boy who came in with a stretcher to take her into the OT and exclaimed , “I have two legs ..I can walk!”And confidently she walked into the operation theatre with a smile to face her fate with the grace we have known her for. My sister and me wished that Dad didn’t have to see her in the ICU after the surgery. But we had no choice .I will never forget how his face turned white when he saw her and in seconds before we knew it he had collapsed in front of her. That night our parents who had only showered us with love and adoration were both in the ICU. That night still wont go away and keeps haunting me from time to time.

Dad ..a man always in control..always the provider..someone who wakes up at 5am for his tennis and swim..A Ranji player, top of his class in Cambridge and University and the Indian Administrative Services, the greatest orator and writer I have known, at the helm of things in his work….here he was ..rendered helpless and weak before the doctors, before fate, before his wife. And all he did was hold my sisters and my hand and say, “Girls .I am supposed to take care of both of you and here you are taking care of me but dont worry the worst is over!” And I thought to has to be..what can be worse!! I was so wrong! The worst was yet to come..

Post surgery..mum and her will power defied all the Doctors ..she soon became a favourite on the floor with all the nurses and Doctors. Everytime we asked her if she was in pain she would say no. The tracheostomy which was done during the surgery was the hardest thing to see and come to terms with but soon we realized we had to come to terms with a lot more.

Keeping the faith :Everyday we would wait for Mum to write her little anecdotes to us and soon we all developed a kind of sign language between ourselves. She was determined to recover and be back on her feet.Her sense of humor and her spirit got her through and she was out in a record two weeks. It was hard to accept that a person who was inherently so beautiful from within and so gorgeous to look at , loved food, loved to tell tales and entertain people ..could no longer eat ,could no longer talk, and in a strange way was no longer the same to look at ..but her eyes were full of life and she was home and we were so grateful. We stopped asking why and just accepted the situation. Everyday we told her how much we loved and admired her.Everyday the family was beside her. Her brother , her sisters , her mother and us. Calls and countless messages for her. Prayers and good wishes from friends and well wishers.
The Doctors suggested she must have a round of radiation in December of 2007 as it would be the safest thing to do. The tumor was completely removed in this so called commando style surgery. We were told that an intensive surgery had taken care of it. Opinions went back and forth and finally 33 sittings of radiation later, she was able to eat better and talk better.

2007..When will it become 2008? : A new year brings hope and happiness but honestly I cant wait for this year to end!! January came and she was looking forward to her sisters sons wedding in Chennai. She loves Chennai because she grew up there, her mother lives there, Dads family lives there and off course that is also where she met Dad.

January 2008 : Life tests you : In the beginning of January the dreaded shooting pain in the ear was back and she couldn’t eat a thing.Even her mashed food that we would so carefully make everyday she could not swallow. It was so hard to see because she was hungry.The pain started to get unbearable and we could not see her suffer. The Doctors said she would be fine and that it had nothing to do with the tumor since recurrence was impossible so soon after surgery and radiation. It hadn’t even been a week since radiation. So we were asked to go to a pain-relieving clinic, which only made her pain worse!! He said it was nothing to worry about and asked us to do an MRI just to be sure.That MRI was torture for mum. She was in there for 2 hours ..her saliva kept choking her as it was thick with the radiation.Dad and me kept praying. We told her she did not need to go through with it but she insisted she could do it.

The only two times I have seen my dads face turn white once in the Icu and the second time was when the surgeon looked at the MRI report and said the tumor is not all gone. He sank to his chair and said she does not have much time. He asked us to take her to the wedding and let her be a part of things.It was one of the many nights I wont forget. What would we tell mum?So we decided we wont say anything..she had been through enough.We flew to Chennai(an unbearable journey for mum with the air pressure and pain) She attended the wedding and performed all the rituals as the eldest in the family. It was like she was determined to be there. Everytime I looked at Dad looking at her in the wedding, there was a lump in my throat , a feeling in my stomach that just would not go away. I could only think of the Doctors words.."She does not have much time"..

I wanted to believe in Angels : We were helpless and did not know what to do. When things reach a dead end suddenly a road appears from nowhere ,I started believing in angels or at least i wanted to. There were so many,friends,relatives..all these people who constantly visited mum and kept her spirits up were my angels and i am so grateful for their presence..Another angel came in the form of a Doctor at the Apollo hospital in Chennai. A family friend asked us to take her there for an opinion since she wanted to spend more time in Chennai and not go back to Mumbai.
Dr. T.Raja is one of the most humane Doctors that I have come across. He knows his stuff, he becomes the patients friend first, he is a busy man no doubt but he takes time to tell you the pros and cons and what to expect and what not to. That is what we appreciated in him. I believe Doctors are admirable especially Doctors dealing with terminally ill patients and children..To me it is the most difficult job to do day in and out.Off course we did come across some Doctors who sometimes tend to be a little insensitive to the patients and their loved ones and play God. They are no one to put time frames and give doomsday prophecies. We all have our destiny and it shall play out in whatever way it is written for us.

February 2008 :To hope or not to hope? We suddenly saw hope. Hope is an amazing makes all the problems disappear in an instant.
Monoclonal antibodies..cetuzimab,erbutrix..chemotherapy..these were hopeful words that we were going to deal with in the next 3 months. These were wonder drugs that would give mum hope..She was to be given these intravenously over 6 weeks. One cycle a week. If she responded well then she would get 12.Did mum want to do this? Did she give her consent? When someone tells you this is the only option that can perhaps save her life("perhaps") ..what do you do? You look at your family who lives each day for you and you just say yes. That is what mum did.She just said yes.Her treatment was to start on a Friday in February and she was very thin with the lack of eating.It was such a struggle. Even the food which was in puree form would not go down. She was Down to 44 kgs. It was to be a 24 hour procedure every week. She would be admitted for 2 days.

A shocking setback :
Hope ..the word that we were clinging onto suddenly came crashing..On Wednesday, I ran into the bathroom on hearing mum screaming for me . She was covered in a pool of blood..chunks of blood were coming out of her mouth.They would not stop. Dad and my grandma were in a daze as I asked Dad to call for an ambulance. Mum was a sea of calm.She started packing a bag for the hospital and even started cleaning the bathroom telling me that Dad would need to use it when he came back from the hospital. Trust Mum to do this at a moment of crisis! Very calmly she walked to the ambulance, with the bleeding on non stop.When you see an ambulance on a road you never imagine yourself to be in one. And there we were..that shrill sound and that ominous feeling. Dad was not even looking at Mum. My grandma ..the strongest and most dignified lady could not bear to see her daughter in that condition. And the blood would not stop. We rushed her to the ER and for 9 whole days mum was in the critical care unit.They did a procedure called Embolisation that stopped the bleeding. Because of radiation, a blood vessel, which had become very thin had ruptured. Her treatment which was to have started received a setback and once again we were helpless!

Little did I know then that I would spend 110 days in a hospital room with my mum. But I could not imagine being anywhere else.The ryles tube for the nasal feeding was the most difficult thing for her to accept but as weeks went by she got used to it.My sister came and went every other week from the US. Thank god for her perks on Delta airlines! Dad adjusted his work schedule and would fly back n forth from Mumbai to Chennai so he could be there from Thursday to Sunday..We convinced him to get away and distract himself since I was there. My grandma was there like a rock. She would sit for hours on end holding mum’s hand.As usual mum became the favourite patient on the 4th floor at Apollo. Even in the critical care she would write things and make the nurses laugh. They adored her and came down to meet her ever so often. She was so concerned about them.What they ate, where they lived. She was always concerned about us and that amazed me about her. She always thought about others. She wanted to know what everyone was eating , if everyone was comfortable..The first 2 cycles went off well. Mum was in good hands..she was responding well.The 6 weeks went by with a lot of ups and downs...but we were by her side.The medicines caused excessive shivers, stomach issues, tiredness, constipation , sometimes diarohhea. But she was cheerful and fought hard.
Positivity filled that room..never did she give up or shed a tear. She would listen to her devotional songs every morning , say her prayers, ask me to read to her. My cousin Shruti came and read all her favourite poets from Keats and Yates to Byron and Tennessee and awakened her love for English literature. My uncle came week after week just to make her smile. They share a connection which only they know! Its wonderful to see.We talked about everything except the C word.She insisted on taking a bath on her own everyday, walking down the corridor everyday.Dr.Raja said she could handle 6 more cycles and soon 10 weeks went by and there were 2 more cycles to go. Just as we were coming to the end of it she developed a major skin allergy and her “ivory skin” as we would all call it was totally covered in rash. She developed edema(swelling) and her hands and feet started swelling up. It was tough to see her like that. Somehow the last 2 weeks slowly inched on. It was a very trying time but she finished all the 12. An MRI was needed to assess the condition of the tumor but Mum could not go through with it.She really tried but the saliva kept coming out and she could not lie flat because of the stiffness caused from radiation. She is never one to give up..but that day she really tried and it did not happen. So an alternative method called the 64 slice scan was done because this was quicker and it was possible to take a suction machine into the room to suction out the saliva for a clear image.The results showed that the tumor was not visible. Obviously the wonder drug had worked..that’s all we knew. Dr. Raja was very happy with her progress and in 2 weeks we were ready to go home. The ryles tube was removed because she said she would try eating orally. And she did. That day all of us had tears of joy! To see her drink that soup was like a rebirth of sorts. And slowly she started to talk. We had not heard her voice in 5 months. It was music to all our ears.Leaving the hospital was strange..The hospital had become a kind of home in an odd sort of way but off course there is no place like home. And mums smile as she walked inand saw her mother standing at the door of our home in Chennai said it all.

May 2008 : The homecoming -The homecoming was wonderful and Mum was relieved. Hope was a word again in the dictionary of our lives..She started eating all the things she had craved for. Everything was in puree form.She put on some weight and was 46 kilos when she got discharged.The year had begun on a terrible note but suddenly things were looking better.We were relieved to see her at home trying to talk, trying to eat, plucking flowers from the garden. After almost 5 months in hospital I knew I had to get back to my life. My work, my marriage, my commitments.I had put everything on hold because I did not want be anywhere else.I finally got the courage to leave and go to Bombay when I saw her pottering about in the kitchen like the old days making idlis for me one morning. I knew she was back and it made me so happy. It was difficult for me to accept that mum would never be the same. I went through phases of denial.. Dreaming of a time ,convincing myself that mum would be back to her life in Bombay soon. I dreamt of her wearing her beautiful sarees again, running her Balwadi, doing her yoga, and effortlessly being the center of attention like she always is. One day my sister sat me down and beat the words into me.. “Mum will never be what we want her to be.. she wont look the same and be the same in many ways. She has changed physically and we must accept that, but in spirit she is the same..Look at her eyes,look at her smile..she is still our mum" . I cried forever that night .Maybe it was all those pent up tears from the days in the hospital when I was trying to be stoic..but those tears that day made me accept some harsh realities.With my grandma and Dad there I had the confidence to leave. 2 weeks went by.She spoke to me every single day on the phone. We chatted about everything like we used to.

What is worse ? Mum is never one to complain. So when she started complaining a week after I was in Bombay about not being able to eat I immediately flew back. Dad seemed really disappointed and I knew something was not right.Her eyes were not the same and that frightened me.And something was surely not right. Mum was down to 35 kilos. When I saw her I felt that awful feeling in my stomach all over again. She looked frail,tired and for the first time she looked at me and said she was in pain. Again the conversation started revolving around blood tests, doctors and scans. She just could not eat. The saliva was so thick it was choking her.The food was not going in nor was it coming out. There were moments when she would suffocate. It was the hardest thing to see her struggle. She kept losing weight .She was beyond tired but miraculously always had the strength to have her bath and sit for 15 minutes and do her morning and evening Puja(prayer). What is worse ? Seeing your loved one starve and not eat or take a decision to put the ryles tube back in so that she gains some strength, knowing that it may perhaps cause her more discomfort. Mum was plain fed up ..she had a mental block to the tube as it is. But what do you do? How can she wither away. There was no option. Every minute was a struggle.Buckets of tears, discussions, sleepless nights and finally we took her to the Ent surgeon who did the god awful endoscopy and told us that he could not see signs of the tumor but Edema had set in and there was a swelling in the throat.

July 2008 :One day goes into the next.. : Hope..crashed yet again!Dad looked more helpless than ever before. He was restless and looking for answers. But we just had to accept things and move one day into the next. As I sit here next to my mum..The tube is back inside her.She is back on the Diabetic resource feed that was being given at the hospital. I was at one of my low moments feeling helpless because I just could not see mum suffer. Her breathing was heavy and through the mouth. For 3 nights she was struggling immensely.Gloom was in the air and I just did not like it. Everyone was tired. Mental exhaustion can be the most tiring thing.I decided to log on and google this :“How do you take out thick saliva that obstructs breathing when the ryles tube is in?”And in my search I landed up on the site i posted above and started reading all the amazing stories. What Ananth said in his story about not letting the disease overcome you and fighting it is what I see mum do everyday. I read out bits of Ananth’s story to Mum and Dad and told her to keep the faith and fight. I honestly don’t know what will happen next and what we should do as a family next..All I want is for her to be comfortable and sans pain.Hope is a word I wont let go off. Prayer is my anchor. My family and friends are my support. I want to share my story with others to highlight the importance of family support and a positive attitude in fighting this disease. Mum has come this far with immense dignity. She is an exception i believe and so do the Doctors. She has never shed a tear nor has she complained. Ask her if she in pain and she will promptly say "No". I know she is strong for us. If we see fear in her eyes , she knows we will break. That is Mum..always looking out for us, always fighting.
For people looking after someone who is ill all i can say is that the person who is the main care giver needs to be extremely patient, calm, and listen to what the your loved one says.
They know their body best. Sometimes one needs to listen more to them than the Doctors.

Saints :Yesterday a close friend of mine who is very fond of Mum called me and told me that Ramkrishna Paramhans the great saint fought throat cancer for years. He endured great suffering with utmost dignity.She said your mum is truly like a saint or she is one with some power beyond us ..she has fought this dreadful disease with the greatest dignity.I believe that .Sometimes I look at her and it almost seems like she is silently having a conversation with her Gods! I believe truly that all those people who are fighting cancer or any other illness with dignity and a positive attitude are Saints in their own way. Through them we learn lessons of a lifetime, they take on suffering of the world to teach us how to value life and respect it. I wish that in the years to come I develop even 10% of the grace and strength that my mother has. In the meantime …I hold her hand ..I pray and I keep the faith…

July 9th 2008:
Its ironical! I started writing this upto exactly the last sentence above. I couldn’t finish it because Mum was admitted today at 6 pm. Her breathing was not improving and once again we had no choice. Dr.Raja said we have an impending crisis on hand and we need to be prepared. Dad and me were dazed. Hasn’t she suffered enough he asked the Doctor. He had no answer. I had only one question going through my mind..How ..just how do you prepare for something like this?? I am always on tenterhooks when I see her gasp or gesture to me. So here I am in Room 4405 of the Apollo hospital in Chennai completing what I started to write. Its 9.20 pm and I know the days ahead are going to be rough..What happens next..Only God knows!!

July 27th 2008 :
Mum underwent an emergency tracheostomy two weeks ago! Again we were left with no option..we did not want to put her through another procedure because she was so frail but there was no choice.. If we did not do it in time , she could choke or suffocate. I think the only time i saw a tear in her eye was when she was being wheeled into the Ot to get it done..what was she thinking?? it was a sinking feeling in my stomach that i cannot forget. To see her go in there alone..why wasnt I a Doctor for that minute so that I could be in there with her??!! But she came out looking calm and relieved. The Doctors had said that the tracheostomy was merely a life saving procedure so that she would not suffocate. The bad news..the tumor was back and spreading and she has a few days! Words that pierced through our hearts worse than the sharpest knife could..How ..just how do you make sense of all of this!! And how did it come to this??!! What happened? Were those 12 weeks in vain? Why didnt the new drug take effect? Emotions went from anger to confusion to acceptance..But we did what we had to at the time given the information and prognosis and looking back and asking why is not worth it..
I have no answers and i am exhausted to even ask..what do i ask and why?? So i become numb and i devote myself to loving her and being there for her.

I am lucky in many ways..In some ways i feel blessed that i was chosen to take care of her and be with her day and night..I am lucky that i am not pinned down by my job and have a wonderful support system at work, i am lucky that i have a husband (Ajay) who let me leave everything in Bombay to just be with her for the last 11 months and run house and take on my role while i am away... I am lucky i have a wonderful father who loves us and has left no stone unturned as far as mums comfort and treatment is concerned..I am lucky i have a wonderful sister (Smita)who is my reality check and strength ..I am lucky I have inlaws who are so caring ..I am lucky i have friends and family,my aunts,my uncles,my grandma,my cousins, who pray for Mum and give me strength , friends I can talk to and just release my stress,friends who love mum..And most of all i am lucky i am with Mum day and night!

Mum, God and the C word!
Life has taught me..lessons that will hold good for years to come. Moments and incidents that i will never forget. Sitting here in the hospital ..who knows what tomorrow will bring?? We are all taking each day as it comes because there is quite honestly no other option! Mum is off most medication..She is extremely alert but very tired and sleeps most of the time..She communicates by writing everyday, She is fighting,Praying..Its now Her spirit , God and her fight against the Cancer! There i finally said it..Cancer..Its no longer the C word..We will fight..We will keep the faith!

I end for today with a poem sent in by one of Mum's friends from London..
Thank you Nilu aunty ..

The little cares that fretted me,I lost them yesterday
Among the fields above the sea,
Among the winds at play;
Among the lowing of the herds,
The rustling of the trees,
Among the singing of the birds,
The humming of the bees.

The foolish fears of what may happen--
I cast them all away
Among the clover-scented grass,
Among the new-mown hay;
Among the husking of the corn
Where drowsy poppies nod,
Where ill thoughts die and good are born, Out in the fields with God.

By : Elizabeth Barret Browning.

Miracles ..To believe or Not to Believe:

Today is the 6th of August. I have been wanting to write especially to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. Your kind words, your love for mum and prayers have all permeated through this hospital and touched her.That I know for sure. The reason I say this is because of what transpired on the 2nd of August...A day that should go down in the books of medicine !
I will not go into the details of what happened but needless to say it was horrific. Life always throws harsh surprises when you least expect it. I was reading something out to Mum on the morning of the 2nd and almost suddenly I looked up and Mum started spurting out blood from her mouth and nose in the room and within minutes, she was rushed to the CCU. I collapsed to the ground and for ten minutes did not have even an iota of strength in me to move! Until i saw they were wheeling her down she had the same look of calm on her face as if to reassure me! Through all that blood i could only see her beautiful reassuring eyes..I thought to myself .."where is she getting her strength from????"
Dad was on a flight from Bombay and he would not be in the hospital for at least 2 hours. I knew i had to handle this on my own until he arrived.
The sight was unbelievable..there was blood everywhere and mum had absolutely no fear in her eyes. The Doctor asked her to relax and she gestured indicating that she was not in any pain at all!! It is then that I concluded that either she has some kind of divinity within her or some divine power is protecting her. As she continued to bleed , the Doctors faces said it all..She would not make it..I heard one Doctor from behind the curtain say.."Try and sustain her till the husband arrives"! I could not weep, I could not talk..I just waited for Dad.
Dad and me were in a daze..Mum continued to bleed for 5 hours. The only thing I remember vividly is when Dad asked the Doctor in the CCU , "will she make it through the night" and he looked at Dad and me and said " No, I am really Sorry , she will not make it through tonight".

8th August 2008 : Mum made it through 5 nights!!! 4th of August was her Birthday. Wishes from all over poured in and she smiled as we conveyed each one to her. We were thankful and beyond grateful that she was with us on the day that she came into this world.
Last evening the Doctor came to Dad and apologised and ended by saying "Medically she should not be here with us today but she is.. I guess miracles do happen!

Miracles !!! Is this really a miracle?? To see mum like this makes my heart ache beyond words can describe. She is in the CCU battling,fighting every minute.I long to just hold her, sleep on that bed with her, never leave her side..
She is totally and completely alert, her vitals are all ok but she is on the ventilator. She writes clearly on my arm and still has endless questions. ..
"Will i be well, What are my vitals, When can we go to the room,Have you all eaten, Are you taking care of yourself" ??
It is amazing! It is baffling. It is mind boggling. This will.This strength. How does she do it?? What is this? I know I should not question but I cannot help it. After being through so much suffering and beyond, how ..just how is it possible to be so positive and so strong yet???!!!

I whispered into her ear to leave it to God and to not fight anymore, to not ask questions , to just be peaceful and relax and she smiled her broad smile! Then gently on my arm she wrote :
Do not worry..I will be fine...

What does that mean? What did she mean?I do not know what will happen and what God's ways are ..but i do know that the 2nd of August showed us a miracle and i believe Mum truly made us believe in a miracle that day!!

Mum has been off all medication and pain killers for almost a month now. She is not even on a drip because her veins are thrombosed and she clearly did not want to be poked or medicated anymore. But she is alert and with us. Its 10 am and i must go down now to hold her hand and be with this brave and most amazing Mother of mine who battles each day showing us just how powerless and small we are in front of that Supreme Power!
Eventually ..HE will decide our fate and We Must Surrender!
Such is life!

Whispering Hope :

11th August, 2008 :
10 days of sheer trauma watching mum in the CCU and finally she is in the room. No medication,No painkillers, No sedatives and she made it! I know how much she wanted to get out of there. She is off the ventilator and therefore no longer critical.The weaning off process was successful. She is now on a bit of oxygen that is being given through the tracheostomy site. She was all smiles as they were wheeling her out of the critical care and into the room. So here I am ..back to the old room..4407.After spending 110 days in this room with Mum in February, did I think I would be back here with her..Never! But we have learnt to expect the unexpected. And with my dearest Mum , we have learnt to "Never say die"!!:) We have learnt now to never give up ,to never analyse and think why and how..instead..just accept.
That day on the 2nd of August , everyone had given up...Medicine,the Doctors, and us..The only person who did not give up was Mum!! It is a lesson for all of us to learn.
I was able to keep calm and be strong the last week because of the support I got from my aunts(Mums sister Sucharu and Mums sister in law Preeti).They held my hand, held fort at home,made me smile and made life so much easier for the last ten days.
I am ever so grateful to my aunt Sucharu for leaving everything ever so often and coming here to be there for all of us.She has been my anchor through this time and I will not forget what she has done for me.
The Doctors see no hope..Yet when mum smiles and writes on my arm still..
Hope whispers...
Thank you Preeti Mai and Mojha Mausi for reminding me of Whispering Hope and singing it with me...

Whispering Hope

Soft as the voice of an Angel
Breathing a lesson unheard
Hope with a gentle persuasion
Whispers a comforting word
Wait, till the darkness is over

Wait, till the tempest is done
Hope for the sunshine tomorrow
After the shower is gone
Whispering hope.. Oh, how welcome thy voice
Making my heart
In its sorrow rejoice
If in the dusk of the twilight

Dim be the region afar
Will not the deepening darkness
Brighten the glimmering star
Then, when the night is upon us
Why should the heart sink away
When the dark midnight is over
Watch for the breaking of day...
Whispering Hope....

September 2nd
Dying to Live:

I know many well-wishers have been reading this blog for an update on Mummy. Honestly, I just did not know what to write. The last month has been an absolute BLANK..A blank in my mind and in the way things are.The Doctors have drawn a blank, we are blank..And Mummy's eyes are sometimes blank …There has been no improvement whatsoever in her condition.
Each day brings on new problems but the worst was when we realized that she has lost hearing in her left ear. I don’t know which was worse..seeing her helplessness at not being able to listen to our voices or us not having heard her voice for months and now knowing she cannot hear ours! She is frail beyond belief and the blood transfusion has not seemed to work.
No more interventions, no more medication,No more blood tests .It has gone beyond that stage because there is no point. I do not even know why we wait so eagerly from 11.30 to 12 noon for the Doctor to come on his rounds..we know that day after day the good Doctor will say the same thing.. “She is critical, we just have to wait and watch. Anything can happen anytime.”

So we do just in and out..Wait endlessly and watch patiently..We are faced with a situation that is emotionally traumatic and very difficult practically .We cannot even think of taking her home in this condition. The sword of Damocles hangs over our head every minute …And I realise ironically...
Mum is Dying to Live
She is totally bed ridden.A condition that a woman with her dignity would have dreaded. Blood continues to be suctioned out of her trachea and mouth.Her saturation levels keeps fluctuating so oxygen has to be given through the tracheo site time and again. Her face is swollen and her body so frail I don’t recognize it anymore.
I often wonder what kind of test we are all being put through … endless,exhausting and so painful. I hold her hand every night often wondering if she even knows I am there. She has a glazed look in her eyes when they open as if to indicate that she is in another time and space. But then suddenly that glazed look will turn into a smile and just when you wonder if she knows what day and month it is, she asks for my hand and writes ..tomorrow is Ganesh Chaturthi..Please pray…
Tomorrow is Ganesh Chaturthi..a festival Mummy looks forward to every year as she brings her Ganesha home with so much love and adoration. For years we have seen her perform the Puja with Dad so intensely and correctly with utmost devotion asking this benevolent God to remove all obstacles and protect her family.
Tomorrow Dad ,my grandma and me will go down to the Ganesha temple in the hospital and pray that he protects her and removes all obstacles to keep her peaceful without any more suffering.


Not even a month ago, I could hold my mothers hand,see her, be near her, smell her, look into her eyes.Today... its only a few weeks later and suddenly I cannot see her,touch her or be with her... I can cry , I can pray , I can beg the powers that be to bring her back to me…but such is the finality of death! She is no more than a presence , a memory …that is the reality I must face. 7th September..The one Sunday in 12 months that I went home earlier than usual for an hour because Mummy had started to bleed from the mouth. I was worried so I told Dad I would be back soon.The Doctor had come and said she was stable. Daddy was to leave for Bombay for a week the next day and the Doctor said since she was doing alright he could leave. She had been very distressed the day before because she had lost her ability to hear. We asked the Doctors to give her a hearing aid because our voices was all she had to cling on to. The moment the hearing aid came on and she heard our voices she smiled her broad smile and seemed so relieved. I talked to her all night and each time I stopped she would gesture to me to go on talking because she wanted to hear my voice. So that night I spoke to her until 3 am..held her hand tight. At around 3.30 am she suddenly woke up and asked me to open the hospital room door. I told her to sleep but she would not listen and so I opened it. Then she asked me to get her sari and her jewels and give her a bath. I told her to sleep and that she was in hospital but she kept asking me to open the door and said she had to go. Finally she went to sleep at 5 am. I did not want to accept then that she was already making arrangements to go on her divine journey. The next morning around 7 am , I held her hand , kissed her forehead and told her to be peaceful and rest..She nodded sweetly and gently , her eyes closed..I did not ever think that would be the last time I would say anything to her. Even now as I write I do not believe she has gone.

My aunt had always told me that if Mummy had to go she would never go when I was around because she was too attached to me. I could not imagine that because I was with her almost all the time.But that day, she decided to take her last breath when I was not by her side. It was a repeat of what happened on the 2nd of happened at the same time 12.45 pm! Suddenly she started bleeding. Dad called me and told me to rush to the hospital.I could hear the rapid beeping of the saturation machine and my heart sank as Dad said, "Come soon she is going". I ran out of the house with my Grandma and rushed to the hospital. But it was too late. She had gone before I came in and I was in shock.The sight of her laying like that not responding to me will haunt me for sometime to come.She was just a body and death was staring me in the face. My darling mother was no more. Dad was by her side in her last moments and Dad's older brother and his wife had come to visit her. She looked at them and smiled and suddenly like as if a dam had burst, the blood came out with a force that no one could control. She did not panic, she did not struggle..she simply held Daddy’s hand , joined both her hands in prayer and looked at him as if to say she is going to God and pointed at the heavens and closed her eyes peacefully. They say if you think of God in your last moments then you go straight to heaven and attain salvation and I am sure that is where Mummy is..With all the celestial beings, charting out our lives,peaceful and happy . She cannot be anywhere else but in exalted and divine company. After this much suffering she remained peaceful till the very end.

There are so many uncanny incidents that have happened since she has gone that I truly feel there is a world beyond ours and she knew her end was near but never let us know it. She planned things in her own way so that we do not get inconvinienced. She did not leave us on the 2nd of August even though there was every indication then that it was her end. She gave us one extra month with her so we could prepare ourselves better, so that she could let us serve her better.Almost like a dress rehearsal because her end finally came exactly like it did on the 2nd. She planned it all.She worked her magical ways even until the end. She looked radiant in a pink and gold saree. Like a bride.Her ashes flow in the holy rivers but her spirit is omnipresent.

Mummy was truly a divine person. She is an example in strength, courage, suffering with dignity and her purpose in life was to teach us all these lessons. I feel her in me. I hear her voice telling me to do the right things. I do not know if time will ever heal this loss, this void I feel but I am sure she will guide me and be there for me and help me live my life to the fullest. Today we are here in Atlanta for a months break. Living with her memories. Dad, Smita and me have decided to make the most of our time together and be there for one another and live with the happy memories. We will spend our time with family here and hope that in time we will make her proud of us. We miss her ..we miss her comments, her advice, her presence, her laugh ...we miss her terribly..but she will never leave us..she cannot..Mummy is like that...she was and always will be there..For us...

I had secretly hoped i would never have to end this part of my blog because as long i was writing , Mummy was alive..But i have to end here and start a new chapter ..A chapter of life without her physical presence..A life that I must live to make her proud.Smita and me are planning to do many things in her name and the next part of my blog will now be to update everyone about all that we are doing in Mummy's name..We hope that we can make her proud..
Mummy I love you... I will always be your little goody girl and small fairy:)

October 7th 2008 :

Baltimore , USA :
One month exactly month how fast it went by at times and how slowly time dragged when I thought of Mummy. I close my eyes everyday to say my prayers and I see her face in front of me. I know that is what will help me go through the day and the rest of my life...
Family is truly fortune ...And how fortunate I am to be blessed with this family.
We are here with Mummy's sister Pushpa and I don't feel so lost anymore..i don't feel alone..I feel close to Mummy. Mummy flew here to give her stem cell to my aunt 10 years ago but thats not the only reason I feel close to my aunt .. I know that Mummy brought us all here be with family , to realise how important family is and that is something I will always cherish , treasure and value. Thank you Mummy.

23rd November 2009
Time is a healer they say..I wonder if this is true..How can I ever heal after what Mummy went through. I can move on and live life to the best of my ability to honour her..But sometimes time is also cruel. Time stood still when Mummy passed away and now time moves on. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her..see her pictures, see her smile, long to hear her voice, just talk to her.. Has she really just gone.??.i do not believe it …I don’t want to believe it.. I cry endlessly at night..during the day whenever I am alone..But will it bring her back I must kick myself and just get up and whatever it is I am supposed to do…and in time she will just be a memory to me she is always in my heart ..People say you will feel her in you , she is there..But she is not! She has gone..God knows where..Where is she I this unfathomable space..what is she doing..does she really watch over me or is she just a star in the sky.. is she with God?..what is it like?..where do we all go??..will I ever be with her again?Must I do something to ensure that I can surely be with her because our connection was so strong?But what if this is it ? Will I see her ever again and even if I do will she recognise me ..will I know who she is..? How do I go on until then?


Liesbet said...

Dear Dear Nameeta,
Thank you so much for sharing all this with me, with us.
Be strong, but not always.
Love Liesbet

mm said...

dearest nami,
i am in tears, tears at yr moms pain, at yr strength and generosity of spirit, tears for health and illness, for loss and for the time you all are going through. i have been praying for yr mom since i heard and will continue to.
i wish i could just hug you and laugh with you again ... just make you smile again!
god gives you the strength to endure what he cannot cure.
love and hugs!

Anonymous said...

My Dearest Nami,
All of you are in our prayers and thoughts. I tried you on your cell continously yesterday and today and this morning when I got here to lab I saw your email and then this blog. Nami, Aunty is passing down that very same beauty and dignity to you sweetheart. In you I see a reflection of her finest qualities and I am sure her deepest blessings. Yes you are right through this time that you have spent with her in her suffering she has passed down to you the very essence of her soul. Keep faith.
All my love

Benaifer said...

My dear friend Nami

I’ve always thought that you look just like your mum, but today I realize how much you truly resemble her. Not just her outer beauty, you have her insurmountable strength, insuperable courage, and overwhelming willpower. This is the best gift that your mum could ever give you.

The night may be dark but the first rays of the sun will cut through the darkness and spread amazing hues. Keep the faith

Sending your way abundant love, prayers, and positive energy.

With love

Anonymous said...

Dearest Nami,
Life is but an illusion they say. Yet we suffer pain.
I don't know Nami, I really don't know what to say. I silently rejoiced when I got good news and sighed desperately when they told me that Snehamayi was not doing well...
Destiny chose you to face such an ordeal. Do what you have to do, Nami, to help her and ease her pain. My dearest Nami, I wish I could be there to hug you, all of you.
Hold on, be strong. Tell Snehamayi that Noupour, Pierre and Karthi send her tender hugs and kisses.
Give Premamama and Smita a big hug each.
A long warm hug to you...

Jayamama,Ajitaammayi said...

Extremely moved to read. Well, we can only hope for the best and pray God that she does not suffer. May God be with you and the family in this time of crisis, take care and our thoughts and prayers are with all of you, LOL, Jayamama,Ajitaammayi
PS.Today 29th is her star b'day,pls wish her on our behalf and we join the family to wish her well.With her resilence,sure she will see many more birthdays.

Irene said...

Hi Nameeta,
I just stumbled upon this and am shocked by what your family has been going through. Words will sound empty but I wish you patience and strength, and I pray that your Mom doesn't go through much more pain.
I have heard so much about her from my brother, and they were always nice things.

rajeev said...

Dear Nameeta,

I came across this blog now and am at a loss of words. I know you have been going thru this but to read this, brings tears and also admiration for your Mum, you and family.. I salute you all.

Just the other day, I asked Onir on whats the latest? We both felt that even tho you going thru a real hard time, you never show even 10% of what you going thru.. always a Smile, a positive note in your voice. Hope & faith! Thats it, I think, you dont lose either.

I went thru 90 days of my Big Bro in ICU after a car crash and can relate a bit..

I hope and pray for your Mum, you and family. Wish i could do more.

Be strong & take care.


mohan said...

Dear Nameeta,
Yr.detailed info on yr mom has soaked me in tears.I ask the same question why she?Take consolation that you are dong a remarkable job being with yr mom and hats off to Ajay for being such a supportive husband.Our prayers are always with all of you to get mental strength.God bless you!

Divya said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mohan Ghatge said...

Dear Namita,
What does one say in moments of dispair. Nandiniaunty and I truely admire the spirit and resiliance shown by the Premkumars. Your Mom, Sneha to us and Budhapa to some was a wonderful friend who always loved to laugh, make others laugh.
We know you all have done much more than seemingly possible to try and make possible which sometimes looked impossible. But then God has his own priorities and we only have to respect His wishes.
At this hour we pray to give you all the spirtual and emotional strength.
By the way today is 4th Aug. and bring back the memories of the happy days.
Mohanuncle and Nandiniaunty

threes said...

dearest, was trying to answer this blog from africa but couldnt. so good to read all. makes me feel near.

now back in amsterdam. where candles burn, i think of your mums eyes who can speak much more then words can, everything she can say. her heart is in her eyes. i love her and you

big big hug threes

Anonymous said...

Hi Nami,
I am at a loss of words...and am sure they loose meaning after what Aunty and the whole family is going through.
After reading your page we do belive you are a true reflection of your Mum and Dad and I cant help but feel so proud of you and your family.
You know we are all with you especially at this difficult time and we pray that it passes real soon and life returns to normalcy especially for Aunty.
Do convey our love to Mum & Dad and as for you... we see you as a true angel... your mum, dad & sis will agree on that.


Anonymous said...

Dearest Nameeta
Thank you for sharing all those memories and feelings with us.It brought to my mind a lot of images from the past.. Our childhood in Church Park convent. One evening as we finished school Sister Celine saw four scruffy girls and one neat and tidy one walking together.Your mother had every single strand of hair in place and her uniform and shoes looked asif she had just put them on. By comparision I looke like a golliwog!!Sister Celine always held up your mother as a role model and she lived up to that name.
Her wedding was such a grand affair and she looked like a rose under the red canopy held over her head.Mrs Gopalswamy who sat next to my mother remarked to the world at large"If you want to fall in love this is the way to do it" It became a classic remark which was repeated by many.
After her first visit to England she kept me in splits,describing all her experiences with her characteristic humour.Not to forget the grinding stone that she carried after her plane was grounded in the Gulf!I once told her that the only time I liked glass bangles was when she wore them.She replied very sweetly"Try them onI'm sure they will look nice on you too"I looked down on my bony brown wrists without much conviction and then looked up into her twinkling eyes.She knew exactly what was going on in my mind!!
I cannot forget her kindness and support when Karthi adopted Noupour.She told me that adoption was accepted in her family and she was sure it would work out beautifully.She opened her flat for us,got the servants to help us and rang up often to find out if we were comfortable. You, namita carried on with that tradition.
Since her illness,she has continued to inspire all of us with her stoic courage,her will power and her determination to spare her dear ones from suffering by putting up such a brave face.
For all the happiness and fun we have had together Unniettan and I would like to say "Thank you Sneha. You are very precious.


Anonymous said...

Dear Nameeta,
You are as beautiful and as strong as your mother. You moved me to tears, your story of courage, hope, and faith is an inspiration. Please know that although I am so far away, I feel your pain and wish so much that I could take some of it away. I have such happy memories of spending time with your family when you and Smita were very young. Your parents have always been so kind, loving, and caring. My heart is full, and I know that God will give all of you the courage and grace. Pleae tell your mother that I love her and am thinking about her and praying for her.
Lots of love,

Anonymous said...

Hi Namita,
Sumana and me read the entire content of your blog Namita, so moving and touchy. you have indeed poured your heart out. Every bit about Chunu apa has been so beautifully penned by you. She is the most wonderful person I ever met. Remember the day whe I met her at Chennai at the Apolo after my knee surgery. She saw me and clapped in joy. That is her living to spred joy to others. She desires every one around her to be happy. Her affection (Sneha) is in abundance to us all. We pray for her every moment Namita.

Never shed tears in front your Mum since all her life she cared for you and see you happy. Remain strong as you always are. Daddy needs you the most at these moments. Bravo to him the fortress of resolve who faces every challenge with positive attitude convertng defeat into victory. Lots of love from both of us.
Sumana Mausi and Prasad Mausa

mj said...

Dear Namita,
Sneha never abandoned her sense of humour,and whenever we did meet we had a great time. That's the image that I will always have with me.
My husband Jagdish's and my prayers are with the you all.
God Bless and continue to give you the great strength you have displayed.
Meera Joshi.

Anonymous said...

dear nameeta,
there is nothing anyone can say to make things better for your beautiful mother and you. but i really want you to know that all my best wishes and prayers are with your family right now.
it is impossible for anyone to understand the extent of your pain. or offer any advice that makes any sense. i can only think of a line that i had once read-god never gives us a cross heavier than we can bear. your mother must be a very exalted soul to be facing such karma. all great saints have undergone immense suffering, whether, ramakrishna paramahansa or theresa neumann or many many other saints through history. your mothers name has most certainly been added to that list. please stay strong. for the sake of your family and your mother. and for what it is worth, it is said, through the worst suffering even, the soul remains unaffected.
good luck dear friend and god bless1
an old friend

Onir said...

Dear Nams
It heart renching to read this. I can imagine Aunty smiling ,beautiful, radient, welcoming ,feeding us and dancing the last Diwali that I was in your house(rem With ARIA).... i dunno what to write, my dear friend i admire your strength and the love you have in you.... i supppose you inherit it from her. I remeber how you have been a support for me when my mom was in the hospital. Nams i wish i was there as a support.
A big hug , love and prayers are always with you.....

Anonymous said...

this is so amazing. i am so happy to hear that your mum is back in the room. shes a magician. and a blessed one at that. please continue to feed us with good news from your end.

Nandini said...

dear nameeta

your family has been chosen by god for tests that would make even Him blink - there is a reason for it and your mom (she so reminds me of mine, vibrant, beautiful inside and out, with the strength of angles) heartfelt regards to a woman who makes one want to be a better person.

Please believe me when i say this (and i know it is probably next to impossible to believe it right now) there is ALWAYS a silver lining to the cloud and a brilliant bright safe light at the end of the tunnel...and it is on it's way to you...........

If there is ANYTHING i could do...
Pleeeeeease just write.
I keep your mother in my prayers.

As ever

Divya said...

I am truly amazed by aunty and you and all the people who are right there in the midst of this. What a miracle.
I was just remembering you all on the 8th august. I remembered how on 8/8/88 you went to China Garden and the food was on the house because of the auspicious number. And I was hoping that 8/8/08 would bring a miracle of a much bigger kind to your family.....
Remember to be kind to yourself, you are doing a FABULOUS job. You always were and always will be a wonderful daughter and sister and friend (I am pretty sure you are a great wife too, I've just never actually seen you in that role :-)).
You are in my prayers. And I am with you in spirit (though it may sound strange since we've not even met for so many years).
I'm babbling now so I'll end with all my love.


Smita said...

My dearest sister,
I love you very much and it is clear to me that someday we will all see why we have been tested in such a manner. Just in these last six months you have shown so much strength, commitment and service to mom that I am honored and proud to have you as a sister. It is difficult for me being so far away but knowing how attentive Dad and you are with mum helps me sleep at night. You are the angel that was sent to earth to accompany mom and take care of her. I know you will hold her hand and keep her safe and for this I am very thankful.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nameeta,

Your mom is pure nobility. I recall the first time I met her with your Dad, she lit up the room where we all were. She is truly majestic, self supporting and at the same time strongly anchored in her beliefs, in her family and in her faith.

History has been witness to many miracles of all kinds including the princes, kings, emperors, presidents, commanders who have conquered cities, countries and empires. And yet, all these have, in my opinion, all been in vain. Bacause none of them have ever been able to conquer the sovereignity of the human spirit, its beauty, its strength and its durability.

Your mom embodies all of this and we salute her for her victory and for indelible inspiration and concern for others. You have rightly said that she always derived her happiness from the happiness of others. Surely, she also realizes that she has to continue to be around all her family for their happiness lies her happiness.

She will always inspire us to continuously pray for all of you always.

Shyam Kapur

Anonymous said...

Dear Nameeta,
Someone told me to read your blog since I went thru the same kind of trauma.. I lost my father too due to cancer and a few other problems. I know how difficult it is to see your parent fade, the pain is unbearable..
May God give you the strength to endure the pain..
A well wisher,

Divya said...

Just thinking of you all.


Bhavani Villa Danta Hotel said...

Unbelievable..makes one realise the importance of living life to the fullest and the extent to which one can feel pain and still stand strong in the face of such tragedy and grief..endurance,faith and hope.No amount of words can console you and my heart goes out to you and family.May the Lord give you strength and Bless you with love peace and healing .
With warm wishes and love
Your cousin Divyajyoti

quill-o-the-wisp said...

speckled rays
from the traffic and city
the fourth-floor window
of her room
in the hospital.
she watches the galaxy,
gleans the moonbeams
neath which
to endure
and dance
in a manner of speaking.
of light
shine through the blood.
Meanwhile, Nameeta
the sweet dream-catcher
wends her priceless way
-attentive, calm, caring
refrains from despairing
and above all,

Vivek said...

I have no words to say at the moment..... My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take Care....

Vivek B.

Anonymous said...

Hi Honey,

I pray for your family all the time. I try to keep up with what is going on through Smita and hope for the best. Let me know if you need me for anything that I can help with from here...


Aditi said...

Nameeta, Dont know what to say cause i am speechless. I feel so proud of her. the conviction and mental strength aunty possesses is of a super human. May god give her all the peace. I pray for her just to be peaceful everyday. I must admit I dont pray for her to fight the disease cause i dont know if i do that then would it be more painful for her than peaceful. I truly have learnt a lot through you about her and in reutrn have learnt a lot myself. live life to the fullest everyday as if it were your last day. Live life for NOW. Live life right NOW.
Love and blessings to your entire family. Happy Ganesh Chathurti.

Mohan uncle said...

Dear Nameeta
I have been keeping track of Mom's progress on your blog. it really pains ones heart to see the trauma Mom, Dad and the family is going through and at the same time are appreciative of the courage dedication and love you all have shown in these trying moments. we all pray for return of peace and end of suffering to you all, especially Mom.
Keep the spirits up and I am sure you all will come out winner and inspired at the end of this saga

Anonymous said...

Dearest Nami,
Don't know what to say. I have my doubts about God...
Life is all about just 'being', doing what one feels has to be done.
Is there anyway, we can help Smita?
If you send me her e-mail id, I'll write to her and invite her over for a change. Or just call her...
Hugs- and remember that I care,

Srijith said...

dearest nameeta,
just read your blog today. Aunty has been a part of our life since i was 6 i think we will always remember her for being ever present during all the cultural programmes through the years and for the countless cricket matches.
Hers' will be an irreplaceable loss not only to uncle smita and you but to all of us as well.
We will all pray for her and for God to give uncle and you the strength that you will need in the times ahead.
love always

chetan said...

Dear Nameeta,

Its a very sad moment. Just don't know what to write. One thing I am sure of is that your mom has gone on this unending heavenly journey as a proud mother. All of us will pray that her soul rests in peace.


Rajni said...

dear nameeta
sucharu aunty has always spoken so much about your mum that when i was reading your blog it was like i actually knew her.i had tears in my eyes and i know no one can fill this vaccuum today, but she was indeed a strong lady and the worst is over for prayers are with you and your family.

Irene said...

Nothing can really be a consolation but I am glad that her sufferings are finally over. I pray for her peace in after life. I am sure she was very proud of you, always. You've had to be strong through all this...
A bit of her will always live on in you.
Take care,

Ravi Budhiraja said...

Dear Nameeta,

Thank you for sharing your grief and thoughts with us. I got to know of the blog only last week from Prem,when I was out of town. I returned to Mumbai on 7th night, and heard the news about your mother's departure for her heavenly abode, next morning.Your grphic account of her suffering is most touching and ennobling.

What you and your family have gone through is difficult to imagine, but His ways are not always decipherable to us mortals. I'm sure Sneha's soul has moved on to higher realms, after completing the assigned task here.

Reeva and I join you in this hour of grief.Do get in touch when you are back in Mumbai.

Ravi and Reeva Budhiraja.

Divya said...

Nameeta my heartfelt love and prayers for you and family.
Aunty will live forever in our memories.


Anonymous said...

Dear Nameeta,

Life has its own strange ways of rewarding you. We were so lucky to have met your mother and to have known her as a pillar of love, strength, courage and conviction. She was indeed the epitome of all that is good. She’s no more with us physically and this surely will always be known and we know it will always be painful to all of you who were so near and dear to her.

We pray to God to provide you, your father and all the family all the courage and strength to bear her absence with dignity.

To me, she was imperial dignity personified and someone who has achieved oneness with oneself physically and spiritually, and as such establish of direct contact with the only one who rules our lives and destinies in this world and beyond.

This is an achievement which is very rarely accomplished and will always continue to remain rare at all times.

Shyam Kapur

Anonymous said...

Dear Namita,

Sana Mausi sent this blog to us through my mom - Mrs Misra. I am sorry for your loss, the words escape me. Having seen dad suffer, then my mother in law with the "C word" i feel your pain.

I was a young boy when that picture of your mother's wedding was taken - it was the talk of Chennai(the then Madras)- and I was there. I remember very well that day and the days surrounding it with the festivities of marriage. I rememeber when you and your sister were little ones visiting grandma's house. I remember when all the cousins would assemble for some celebration or the other. Sometimes it was just them coming from school enroute to Orissa. Your mom "Bada Appa" as we called her will always be remembered for her grace and beauty, her intelligence and her humor. You I can see have taken to grow in Bada Appa's shadow just like her. Please give Prem Bhinay and the rest of the family our condolences .

Lots Of Love
Raja Misra, & Family

Anonymous said...

you started yr blog by saying that you were writing for yourself. YES- you have every right to be selfish but you were wrong YOU WERE NOT WRITING FOR YOURSELF NAMEETA Unwittingly you were writing for YOUR BRAVE DARLING OF WOMAN -YR MOM !! and see how she has inspired you to producing a movie.

You were writing about a FORCE sent by God to enlgihen us about what hope and faith were. HOPE AND FAITH WAS YR MOM !

you were writing about a POWER sent by God to enrich us about life' pain and agony.

You dont know me but I do know you. I too look after a mom who is not too well but not stricken with C.

when my dad died of heart attack she suffered, when my bro died at age 44 of heart failure she suffered, when my husband in his forties died of heart attack she herself got one the same night but survied somehow.


Most of all, this angel gave you courage to write this blog. Nothing I repeat, Nothing you will ever write, will be the same.